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  • The doubt in drought has found its way out.

    I didn't mean for that to sound like a Dr. Seuss book. Lately, I've been plagued with fear. It's a strange fear this go round; it's not the usual "I might fall off a cliff" fear. This fear is from not having fear...when I should. Let me explain. I'm about to embark on a huge journey. If you know me, you're probably thinking, "What's worse than leaving Anchorage, Alaska, for Texas?" Well.... how about the journey into the unknown, but this time, I have no reservations about taking the leap. I'm not worried about a place to stay. I don't boggle my mind with a job. I don't infest my heart with the doubts a normal, sane human would have. Instead, I'm fine. And THAT is something I ... Fear Am I so used to chaos that I can't see a truck heading my way? OR have I finally lived long enough to trust myself? I like to think it's the latter, but you never know...right? I'm at a new stage in my journey. I'm a millennial, 34 (still mentally 19), and I've been homeless; I've lived in my car, I've gone days without food, I've lived almost pay-check to pay-check (almost being gracious, ya girl was barely making it between paydays.) I've moved my life across this country PLENTY of times. My car hates me, I'm sure of it. And I'll be doing it all over again in a few months. Minus the homeless struggle part because I fully feel my world shifting. Moving on from fear and doubt I'm stepping into my calling. I'm not fighting. I trust fully in God, the Universe, and my ancestors that this time is different. Let's see if I'm singing this same upbeat tune in two months. <3 Ebony

  • The Desperation for Verification

    While I pay little attention to social media news, my efforts have fallen flat over the past few months. Usually, I log on to social media for a sense of release - to check out news from around the world and the latest celebrity gossip. Lately, it's filled with questions about AI and its ability to take over jobs; my LinkedIn feed is filled with #OpentoWork profile picture frames, and Twitter has a whole different battle surrounding its verification subscriptions. It has become overwhelming in the past few days, but as I have had time to think, here's what I've concluded. I, like many creators, am okay with AI and its ability to help us do our jobs better and become more creative. Using AI correctly as a content producer, you can develop a 30-day content plan based on just one sentence. For others, who work in tech, AI hasn't been their best friend- more like a bulldozer of disrespect. The world of technology is up in the air while many wonder what will happen to their privacy settings and what's genuinely exposed to the interwebs. Does this mean I sleep easily? Absolutely not! I'm not dumb; I'm aware that AI can take over any job I can do - but it can't replace the need for human interaction. So because of that thought alone, I have a good 70-73 on my sleep score. As I scroll through LikedIn, my heart is heavy for my network, which shares news about being affected by a recent round of layoffs. While the popular platform claims to have millions of jobs, many are applying, few are getting feedback, and others are ghosted. It's a tricky time in the job market as many companies are cutting corners, cutting people, and cutting salary ranges. We've now positioned ourselves in a fight or flight mode. Do we take a job just because it was offered? Or do we wait for what we're worth? While many recruiters try to be honest, caring, and encouraging, most of their messages fall on deaf ears. Words of encouragement are nice, but if a job offer does not back them, many don't want to hear them. In news that grinds my gears, Twitter. Elon has been on a rampage after acquiring his latest venture. From laying off workers and revoking well-known publications of their verification badges because they've "upset him." And my favorite (not) verification subscription. The purchase of a blue verification via subscription has caused a frenzy that feels like January 6th but digital. At first, there was a separation between Legacy (accounts verified by Twitter) and Subscription (accounts purchased for verification); now, there is no difference which makes the platform more complex to navigate regarding authenticity. The desperation for verification not only hits pockets; so far, Elon has made over $1 million from people wanting to be something they are not. Is this his fault? No, in all honesty, it isn't. Vanity and, over the past decade, the need to have free speech is on the rise. Everyone wants to be heard in the wake of the Me Too Movement, Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, LGBTQ+ rights, and more. Everyone has something to say, and their opinions are important to them; therefore - they need to be shared. Should it be restricted? Unfortunately, it shouldn't - because my friends - that would put a giant middle finger to free speech, which, if you haven't noticed, we are fighting to keep. While the world is up in arms about verification badges, plastic surgery, filters, Tik Tok trends, and the latest get-rich-quick scheme - Twitter verification badges aren't the only thing people are desperate about when it comes to a deep, dangerous, deadly desire for verification. When is enough...enough? When will the filters fall, and the anxiety around how we look dissipates? The yearning to be looked at and made famous be a thing of the past? When will we no longer need validation for our feelings, thoughts, emotions, and who we are?

  • It wasn't shade...it was disappointment

    The 95th Academy Awards took place on Sunday. While there were many high points and amazing fashion, there were moments of tone-deaf humor and to no surprise eyebrow-raising wins. Last year, the world was in an uproar over "the slap," many people in and outside the room were captivated in "fake outrage" of Will Smith's actions. If the outrage wasn't fake, then why was it acceptable to not only make fun of it but reference "the slap" at many moments during show? After all, the incident was "tragic" and or "traumatic" right? Another viral moment was the obvious Oscar snub from Angela Bassett. Her facial expression or lack thereof, has gone viral - with one popular outlet calling it "shade." Let's circle back to the title of this blog, "It wasn't shade... it was disappointment." There's an acceptable level of tone-deafness when it comes to major award shows. An anonymous Oscar voter had this to say to Entertainment Weekly: “Viola Davis and the Lady Director Need to Sit Down, Shut Up, and Relax.” The voter went on to say that they've never watched "The Woman King" Raising the question, how can one vote on movies and not be required to watch ALL the nominees? While the Oscars are notorious for being whitewashed, the disappointment comes from the lack of effort required for certain people to win. As for BIPOC excellence is somehow equal to white mediocrity. The BIPOC community have to go above and beyond for even a smidge of recognition and appreciation. Much like in the workplace, where women of color receive pennies on the dollar compared to not just men, but other women of other ethnicities. Michelle Yeoh, ever so talented, gorgeous, creative, a force on screen and a gem behind it won her first Oscar for "Everything Everywhere All at Once." Yeoh made history as the first Asian actress to win an Oscar and the second woman of color to win this specific award - the first was Halle Berry in 2002. While the majority of the BIPOC population wasn't surprised, social media turned into a free for all of the disrespect to Jamie Lee Curtis. While Curtis is a star and undoubtedly a true talent, winning an Oscar for a role where she was hardly seen - is where the outrage lies -and honestly, is a disservice to her talent. Bassett gave a heartwarming and wrenching dialogue in her part in "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever." Her words not only resonated with her character, but with an entire community of Black people, women, parents, and more. It wasn't just cute words created in a writers room, it was the truth of a nation that is widely underserved. Curtis, who is phenomenal and won her first Oscar last night, has been an amazing actor for various roles that should've been Oscar-worthy in the past. This win seems like the Academy was playing catch-up, giving a win to someone who was long overdue. It's almost a slap in the face to continue to be hopeful in places that continue to put a divide and show you that you are not welcome. In a space that feeds off BIPOC talent, beauty, gifts, thoughts, and creations, at the end of the day, it still screams "to us you aren't good enough."

  • How Tink single handedly made me realize I might still be unstable

    Tink - the sultry superstar songstress who is wildly underrated - released another album just in time for Friday night shenanigans. While I opened Apple Music desperately searching for some new music that wasn't bombarded with heavy made up beats and mumble words - I was happily surprised to see one of my favorite R&B divas. "Thanks 4 Nothing" is the anthem for all who are fed up and ready for something real. Tink is spearheading a movement for those who wish to speak freely and live in their truth. The best part about the album, in true Tink fashion, she how unapologetic she is with her feelings. While I laughed at punch lines like "These days you can't even trust who you're f***in" and "these days you're just getting f***ed and recycled," I also found myself in deep thought - why am I laughing when.... I relate to the lyrics all to well? My connection to this album brought up reminders that my unfiltered trauma isn't fully dealt with. Parading around like I, someone who's a lover of therapy and a steady goer for over 10 years, am still NOT healed in my like I thought I was. Is this why, I can't let certain situations go? Is my true mental state the reason why I'm still somewhat, being held back? To answer that in short, yes. The set list consists of song titles like: "Toxic", "Let Down My Guard", "Stingy", "Fake Love" made me realize that Tink, much like the rest of social media is SICK of these N***as! Using the word universally, men and women and those who identify differently, are simply sick of the disrespect. Sick of the secrets. Sick of the betrayal. Most importantly sick of the hurt. "Thanks 4 Nothing" is not just the title of her album, it's the theme for the years that came, went and are to come after the Pandemic. You worked your butt off for a job only to be hit with layoffs? Thanks for nothing. You stayed in your relationship only to be cheated on or for it to not work? Thanks for nothing. You wasted time mending friendships, to have it back fire? Thanks. For. Nothing. While social media is in an uproar, the world around us is on fire, and the people at the core are hurt and bothered. How can we move on? How can you move on? How can I stop being apart of the cycle of hurt? What can we do? Can anything be done? Those are the questions that come to mind after I shut off the world and let the sexy voice of Tink take over my mind, body, and emotions. After I sat with the album, I took each song to heart in a different way as the music transport me to another dimension. Tink is a power house who needs and deserves more recognition. She steadily releases projects almost every year, whether it's an album, EP or music video. This album might be a self reflection of not just her, but for anyone with a heart who takes a chance on love and life. This album is a remind to always face the hurt and remember that YOU are a bad bitch. One thing remains true about Tink, she isn't just an artist, she IS ART.

  • Back in Therapy

    Starting my first therapy session today in what seems like forever... well, 5 years to be exact. I was hesitant at first because, I didn't know what to expect, which is strange, seeing how I've done therapy for eight years prior to my little "vacation" from reality. So, I get into my session and I'm asked a simple question: "Tell me about your childhood. You don't have to dive in right away, but it's up to you." Innocent enough right? I took a deep breath and then started with what it was like growing up in Alaska, my childhood, and then the tears started to come. We reached the death of my best friend, the only person who I mattered to, and the words stopped coming. I was stuck between a piercing pain in the middle of my chest, seeping through my bones, slowly escaping through the waterfall that's violently spewing out of my eye sockets. I was saying so many words...in my mind. Nothing escaped my lips. "Who are you to your family, what's your role?" I dove deep again, sharing things that to me, didn't seem like a big deal but in reality, it was a major deal. Soon I felt like Luisa from Encanto with "Surface Pressure" playing as my soundtrack. I revealed to her that when I watched that movie and Surface Pressure came on, I cried. I've never connected more to a song in my life. I received texts from people saying that I'm Luisa! They tried to make it a compliment, that's when I realized, the message went over their heads. They didn't understand the movie, it was just entertainment to them. Am I just entertainment to them too? How I feel... it also....always goes over their heads. Alone. That's how I felt growing up. That's how I felt in my jobs. That's how I felt in my relationships. That's how I felt in my friendships. Alone. No matter who was around I was alone. During my time of suicidal thoughts and attempts, I was alone. Hosting concerts with over 100k people, I was still on that stage, introducing the biggest names in music and I was alone. During sex with partners that I loved, I adored and so desperately wanted them to love me back, but I was still alone. Just a human sock for them to masturbate with. Even now, more than ever I am alone. Mainly because I look in the mirror and have no idea who that person is staring back at me. How did I get here? How did I allow this to happen to me? How did I, change my life, sacrifice so much just to feel so... alone? When asked: "Who are you to yourself?" I couldn't answer. I said, "I am lost." Optimistic. That's how I felt after the talk. Maybe something will change one day, maybe I will look in the mirror and fall in love with the Ebony I've tried so hard to become. Maybe one day, I'll get back to myself. Loving myself. Trusting myself. Being free. Being me. Being... just fucking being. I shared my desire to get her back, heal her, and move to that next level of love and light that I know I can possess. I shared that I lost myself and hate the Ebony that I've become while stuck in this staggered prison that's supposed to be filled with love and instead it's filled with shame, hate, pain, hurt, lies, deceit, and negativity. I want to be free without causing pain to those around me. It's clear that pain sometimes comes with growth, and it's not my responsibility to handle or heal other people's pain and problems. Reality. It will take a lot of work. At 32, I had homework, actual homework. I want to say I hated it but I enjoyed it. I learned a lot about myself and I felt a little spark back in my heart. It was revealed that I'm reverting back to my childhood way of dealing with trauma because my current situation is bringing it back into my life. I was stuck when my therapist shed light on the patterns, mind you, this was our first meeting and she already nailed it on the head. It hurt because I knew that my therapist was right. I guess it's true, sometimes we do chase our past hurts in the form of relationships just to try and fix something... someone... an "unsub" as Criminal Minds fans would say. Is she my unsub? Probably, in a sick twisted way, she is the pain that I've been running from all my life. She is the turmoil that slowly drains my happiness, the bad thoughts lingering in my mind reminding me of all my flaws and what I'll never be. She is the hole-filled blanket that offers no warmth, and the unlocked doors that provide no security. She is the rejection I'm used to, the mind fuck I'm subscribed to. She's the demented heart shredding pain that pulls me out at their leisure. She is the train I want to avoid but can't help but walk in front of. Therapy..... This will be a great adult discovery.

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