Staring at the fan, while I lay on the floor.
Nothing but bottoms on and sweat everywhere.
The gripping pain that beats from within.
As the stains fill my feminine napkin.
I can't help but think that the beats were yours.
After all, you did survive a red waterfall and a small pill.
Getting the notice that you were there was shocking enough.
Damn, I thought to myself, this little thing is tough.
Still faced with a decision alongside the suitor
Conjuring up the plan and idea that father time wasn't on our side.
So I can get a better understanding, I went to a building the next day.
Cold, dirty, smelled funny I must say.
Saw no white coat, or sport jacketed man.
Just a cold instrument placed inside me along with a hand.
5 weeks of wonder and no surprise it wasn't me but you.
Saw the evidence of your existence, something I'll never be able to undo.
A torture I now have to live with is that, that was as big as you were gonna get.
Taken into another room, two minutes prior was the last time I would see you.
The next day, I pulled in the driveway and immediately felt regret.
I ran to the bathroom and tried to shower.
No amount of hot water could wash away the shit that would happen next.
This is all my fault, I gave myself the blame.
Oh how I desperately wanted you to survive.
Just one more time, I whispered to you.
Surprise me.. you've done it before.
As I squeeze my stomach and lay on the floor.
I tried to put clothes on but the pain was so strong.
Clots passed..One every other minute had me keeling over in pain.
I screamed to the Father asking him to ease me and take it away.
But I knew, this was something I had to go through.
I remember the sight of blackness, three times around.
The sound of my walls shedding as a pool of red sits beneath me.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh how I wanted you to fight.
But I'm a team player despite what I desire inside.
Over two hours of pain... I can't begin to explain.
I was so weak, my body kept me on the floor so I could sleep.
Almost a week later since you made your departure.
I'm still reminded of you, the traces of you as the waterfall continues.
Shame, guilt, hate, anger. Everything is what I feel for myself.
Unworthy of breathing is what comes across my mind.
A spirit worth killing is what I feel deep inside.
A spirit that is mine since I already lost yours.
As for you....I can't even tell you how I feel.
I can't even look at you or stand your smell.
In the stages of anger, I've been through the first 4.
Hoping this is the last one and I'll feel no more.
I wonder if I'll shake this....
I'm not sure if I can...
Maybe I should delete your sonogram?
Toss the four tests that I keep in my purse.
Not like it'll bring you back and allow you to walk on this earth.
A sense of emptiness has hit me ever since that day.
Useless is how I feel, and I can't seem to pray it away.
I have so many words, but they don't make sense.
How I'm able to write this now, I still don't understand.