Sunday, February 24, 2019

Moonlight Thoughts

Wrote this at 2am.....
Ever find yourself with a restless mind on a Late night?

Find yourself looking at pictures of people seeming to be happy. And videos of others showcasing a happy moment. Placing yourself at that moment with them.

The group of best friends going on a trip. The couple welcoming a baby. The bachelor who recently adopted a corgi. That college grad who nailed their dream job. The woman hysterically crying as she says “yes” to being someones forever.

So many things go through our minds... why not me?

The desire to want to know what it’s like to cheers to a table full of genuine friends. The wanting of the chance to have your soulmate. That heart beating endless love when looking into your own human creation; holding them for the first time. Truly feeling loved and wanted.

For some of us, our realities are the opposite.

Traveling the world and never feeling at home. Or like you have a home. Not belonging. Truly empty, so you keep moving. And moving. And moving. Hoping that God will forgive you for lying to your parents when you were 6 years old. Because obviously, Gods punishing you because of what you said over 20 years ago.....

That feeling that it’ll never be your time. That those things will never happen for you. That friends are a luxury that you can’t afford. That love is dispersed to the fortunate while the peasants wallow in the silence. That sadness that creeps in when you pass baby clothes, the ring section, or even the high school awkward couple at the mall. Seriously? They can find someone and I can’t?.... pssshh okay... 

Or being that person people want around when celebrations occur but don't care any of the other days of the year. Being that person who checks on, prays for, sends encouragement to many to have no one return the favor. Instead, you spend your sleepless nights texting the suicide hotline.

The feeling of never being good enough or desired.

All these thoughts take over the mind which seeps into our hearts. These captivating, paralyzing thoughts that show no mercy. Make it impossible to believe that we’ll get our chance one day.

Or maybe, it’s just a thought and we're too deep into our depression to see the love around us...

Interesting what the mind conjures up when it's restless.... is this a thought? I would love to categorize it as such, but it's many of our reality, including me. 
<3 Ebony

No comments: