As we grow in this journey of life, we're thrown curve balls left and right. Speed bumps go from molehills to mountains. Our traumas are far worse than the ones we had as children. Not to mention, the fears that we conquer and the ones that still haunt us at night.
When it comes to accepting the new, we're put in uncomfortable situations. It sucks, I know, it makes you want to move to a different city, probably planet if your bank account can afford it. I love meeting new people, and someone that I met recently showed me that I'm facing a fear I had no idea was even a fear.
So here it is, this weird thing that I didn't know was a fear. Despite my ability to connect with you on this blog and through my social media platforms, I have a hard time letting people in. This comes as a surprise, because it's me here... Ebony Williams.. the woman who went on the radio and talked about her almost committing suicide, the one who opened up about her trials with domestic violence, not to mention the cervical cancer story and truth about the weight blog. The things I talk about and share with you are endless; and yet I squirmed at a simple task.
I was asked to 1. not move and 2. not speak. All I had to do was look into my friends eyes and let him look into mine.
I found out it's hard to look at someone in their eyes and let them look into yours without saying a word. Talking is a distraction, so is movement, those things throw people off from looking IN you and instead they look AT you.
So as I was there, allowing him to look INTO me, I realized I have a deep fear with true human connection. Even with friends and romance, allowing someone to know me, the beyond Ebony, the Ebony after dark is an idea so far fetched; I had no idea I was secluding people from who I am. As we were sitting there, fairly close, his hands holding mine, I felt vulnerable.
So many thoughts were rushing to my mind like: what's he thinking? does he see how I really feel? does he know I'm lying when I said I'm great and I'm actually pretty shitty? Can he see that I'm hurting? Oh God, does he know that I'm 100% smitten by him? am I smitten by him? Or is it just that I'm gazing into his beautiful eyes that it's making me believe that I like him?
Yeah....I went there...
So many thoughts.... and I had to sit in them and let him stare into me. I couldn't handle it after much longer and had to look away. I was exhausted after that. The energy it takes to truly let someone in is amazing and for the first time I was experiencing this with a beautiful human.
After that little exercise, it made me think. I was reevaluating myself and my inability to truly be vulnerable. This is why I keep friends at a distance and also why I don't entertain much of a romantic life. It was cool to understand another layer of myself. I'm truly thankful for him for exposing me to myself. sounds crazy, but what are friends for if they don' help you be a better you?
Cheers to accepting the new.