Sunday, February 24, 2019

Moonlight Thoughts

Wrote this at 2am.....
Ever find yourself with a restless mind on a Late night?

Find yourself looking at pictures of people seeming to be happy. And videos of others showcasing a happy moment. Placing yourself at that moment with them.

The group of best friends going on a trip. The couple welcoming a baby. The bachelor who recently adopted a corgi. That college grad who nailed their dream job. The woman hysterically crying as she says “yes” to being someones forever.

So many things go through our minds... why not me?

The desire to want to know what it’s like to cheers to a table full of genuine friends. The wanting of the chance to have your soulmate. That heart beating endless love when looking into your own human creation; holding them for the first time. Truly feeling loved and wanted.

For some of us, our realities are the opposite.

Traveling the world and never feeling at home. Or like you have a home. Not belonging. Truly empty, so you keep moving. And moving. And moving. Hoping that God will forgive you for lying to your parents when you were 6 years old. Because obviously, Gods punishing you because of what you said over 20 years ago.....

That feeling that it’ll never be your time. That those things will never happen for you. That friends are a luxury that you can’t afford. That love is dispersed to the fortunate while the peasants wallow in the silence. That sadness that creeps in when you pass baby clothes, the ring section, or even the high school awkward couple at the mall. Seriously? They can find someone and I can’t?.... pssshh okay... 

Or being that person people want around when celebrations occur but don't care any of the other days of the year. Being that person who checks on, prays for, sends encouragement to many to have no one return the favor. Instead, you spend your sleepless nights texting the suicide hotline.

The feeling of never being good enough or desired.

All these thoughts take over the mind which seeps into our hearts. These captivating, paralyzing thoughts that show no mercy. Make it impossible to believe that we’ll get our chance one day.

Or maybe, it’s just a thought and we're too deep into our depression to see the love around us...

Interesting what the mind conjures up when it's restless.... is this a thought? I would love to categorize it as such, but it's many of our reality, including me. 
<3 Ebony

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Own Your Sh*t

The first thing that comes to my mind whenever I decide to write a new blog is: sorry dad. 

Thinking of the soon to be Deacon reading the words of his foul mouth little angel makes me giggle. Some people are surprised by the openness I have with my father. "you seriously talk to him about sex?" or "did you just say that?" my response is  "um... yeah, and why not?"  here's how I see it, it's better for him to hear it from me first. Since he's an avid reader of my website and all things that I write, he'll find it out  anyway.

So let's get to it, this blog isn't that bad pops.... I promise.  

I was thinking about how easy some things could be if we did one simple task. Well I guess it's not so simple, because if it were truly easy, then more people would do it... right? When I decided to own my show sh*t and realize that for some of my problems, it were my fault and not others, things got a little more clear. Looking right into my reflection of my dirty mirror, I  realized, it's time we start to own our sh*t.

Get out of your own way.

I wonder how many blessings I stopped from coming my way  (in the interim) because of my stubbornness, self-centered behavior, and childlike manner pointing the finger at everyone else except me. So, one day, I experimented, I wrote down some situations and truly got into how I got there and tried to track it down to why it happened. 2 out of the 5 situations were my doing. I sat on this for a moment, because 2 of the 5 are the BIGGEST issues I have. I sat, took a deep breath and learned to become okay with my circumstances and thus work harder to find a way out. In my mind: if I were the problem, I can find the solution. 

By owning it, I gained my power over the situation.

I line it with the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness of others is not for them, it's for you. The release and relief you feel once you've allowed yourself to forgive, grow in the emotion and move on with life, that weight you've been feeling for awhile, is now lifted off your shoulders. You feel free, you're in charge, you wonder why you let it bother you in the first place. The same goes for owning your own sh*t. 

You have to forgive yourself

Love yourself and know that you are worthy of receiving all the blessings you desire and then some. They say God is a good good father, and he is. Like a parent, he loves you unconditionally even with all your flaws (which are his perfections) and mistakes you make. Own up to it or repent it, whatever you want to call it. Wear the grown-up undies and own it, leave it, love it, and move on. Forgiving yourself and owning when you're wrong does set you free. 

It's a scary thought, looking in the mirror and saying "I caused this" especially if the aftershocks are so dreadful all you can do is curl up in a ball. After all, who in their right mind would willing put themselves through pain? So here it is little duckies, own your sh*t and learn to love yourself. set yourself free from you. Also, be easy on yourself, you're only human and we all make mistakes. 

<3 Ebony 

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Like Samson

so happy in the place that I lusted after..
where lust was after..
my own well being
didn't want to be like Samson,
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.

giving in, I feel as if I failed
coming across something that my body has once prevailed
the possibility of this cancer infecting my life again
is what keeps me up at night
the reason why the rivers run from my eyes...
as I stare out the window
my task was so simple
all I wanted to do was write....

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
sidetracked by the tones of skin
the ones that bind me to open my pathways
one entry should have been blocked
but was allowed in
sinking their teeth into gentle skin
ripped wardrobe to emit sin
ecstasy without the pills
intimacy is what drove me to the hills

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
freedom from the thoughts
break these chains of the human heart
pleading for an outlet

I breathed deep, once he told me
broken hearted from what we discussed
from past and present we talked about what once was
and yet... the lie that was revealed
could kill the very reason why I'm alive.

I didn't want to be like what I told my father God
repentance I'm at your mercy
I've cried out to you for help, but still I was left alone
to give in to my own ways in which all is left to say is..
I didn't want to be like Samson

<3 Ebony

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Cheers to Accepting The New

As we grow in this journey of life, we're thrown curve balls left and right. Speed bumps go from molehills to mountains. Our traumas are far worse than the ones we had as children. Not to mention, the fears that we conquer and the ones that still haunt us at night.

When it comes to accepting the new, we're put in uncomfortable situations. It sucks, I know, it makes you want to move to a different city, probably planet if your bank account can afford it. I love meeting new people, and someone that I met recently showed me that I'm facing a fear I had no idea was even a fear.

So here it is, this weird thing that I didn't know was a fear. Despite my ability to connect with you on this blog and through my social media platforms, I have a hard time letting people in. This comes as a surprise, because it's me here... Ebony Williams.. the woman who went on the radio and talked about her almost committing suicide, the one who opened up about her trials with domestic violence, not to mention the cervical cancer story and truth about the weight blog. The things I talk about and share with you are endless; and yet I squirmed at a simple task.

I was asked to 1. not move and 2. not speak. All I had to do was look into my friends eyes and let him look into mine.

I found out  it's hard to look at someone in their eyes and let them look into yours without saying a word. Talking is a distraction, so is movement, those things throw people off from looking IN you and instead they look AT you.

So as I was there, allowing him to look INTO me, I realized I have a deep fear with true human connection. Even with friends and romance, allowing someone to know me, the beyond Ebony, the Ebony after dark is an idea so far fetched; I had no idea I was secluding people from who I am.  As we were sitting there, fairly close, his hands holding mine, I felt vulnerable.

So many thoughts were rushing to my mind like: what's he thinking? does he see how I really feel? does he know I'm lying when I said I'm great and I'm actually pretty shitty? Can he see that I'm hurting? Oh God, does he know that I'm 100% smitten by him? am I smitten by him? Or is it just that I'm gazing into his beautiful eyes that it's making me believe that I like him?

Yeah....I went there...

So many thoughts.... and I had to sit in them and let him stare into me. I couldn't handle it after much longer and had to look away. I was exhausted after that. The energy it takes to truly let someone in is amazing and for the first time I was experiencing this with a beautiful human.

After that little exercise, it made me think. I was reevaluating myself and my inability to truly be vulnerable. This is why I keep friends at a distance and also why I don't entertain much of a romantic life. It was cool to understand another layer of myself. I'm truly thankful for him for exposing me to myself. sounds crazy, but what are friends for if they don' help you be a better you?

Cheers to accepting the new.
<3 Ebony