Friday, September 21, 2018

I Woke Up & Everything Changed....

Ever wake up and you couldn't feel or move your legs? 

Then to have a series of events spiral out of control after that? 

Well, that's what's been going on with me for the past few months. 

Struggling with faith is hard. Struggling to let it go and let God is harder especially when it seems like he isn't working. It's a lonely feeling to think he's not there. He removed all of those who were NOT there for me, just to show me who really IS there for me. Take a look, it's a quick vid. 

<3 Eb 

Monday, September 17, 2018

Coffee Shop Diaries: Elderly Love

I frequent a certain Starbucks in the valley. I'm here at times in the morning, sometimes during the day and this place is also my nighttime lover on the nights where I can't sleep. I'm not here to drink coffee, as a matter of fact, I don't drink coffee. I very rarely drink caffeine.  Instead, I'm here because of the people. There are a few faces that I recognize, maybe they are like me. A wanderlust trapped with the bank account that doesn't agree.

I sit here to watch people. I love the laughs, those who are silently arguing and others who come alone, like me, to just watch. So much drama unfolds between the sips of coffee. Someone cheated, someone died, another is being taken advantage of at work, while others are searching for work. All these stories I hear before I sip my iced green tea with no sugar. Bland and plain, I wish that is what I could say about me.

Instead, I'm complicated. I'm difficult. Life and traumas have made me this way. It's not bad actually, not being afraid to call people out on their bs not caring about what position they might hold in life. My bluntness can be a little much. It's always too much for those who say they are all for it until it gets turned on them. Now, all of a sudden, it's an issue...I wonder why? Anyways, my scattered thoughts are painting pictures in my mind. Are they doing the same for you?

Elderly Love 

There's an elder man,  wearing a purple, orange and teal plaid shirt. He's short, glasses, and his smile lit up this entire coffee shop. He passes by an elder woman who is wearing a cute cotton floor length dress. She comes a lot, she loves to smile. I can't help but think that she has no one. Like me, we sit alone in these shops for the company.

They smile at one another. She's watching him, I think she's interested. He looked over his shoulder, she turned red and turned around. He ordered his drink, the barista is loudly asking him if that is all..... he pauses, and orders something else. A few moments pass, his order is ready, he's about to leave and she's fixing her hair. This is so adorable.

He grabs a napkin and passes her table, he looks back at her, she smiles, he hands her a drink. She blushes and takes it. They take a sip, he looks deep into her eyes. I can see her melting. I can feel her heart fluttering because mine is too. She says thank you softly, he nods his head and leaves. She walks towards the door with a slight limp. She watches him, he's still looking back. He drives away.

She exhales as she presses the coffee cup against her lips. It's like she's smelling the cup trying tog et his essence back in her presences. Like she wishes she were the cup and his hands were holding onto her instead of the paper. She walks back to her seat and grabs her necklace. I watch her as she stares off into space, then that smile comes back and she blushes again. She grabs her bags and leaves.

A simple romance in the coffee shop played out before me. Makes me crave for it. Makes me want to know what it's like to have someone look at me like that. I want that feeling but have yet to have it, I'm almost 30 and I have no idea what it's like to have someone completely take your breath away. Maybe she waits here for him daily? Maybe that's their dance, maybe that's how they say hello.

Now I feel a hint of jealousy all from a cute little speechless romance between two elderly people. Silly? I'm not sure if it is, we're all entitled to our own feelings. Coffee shops are gold. This place brings me so many feelings wrapped in so many colorful skin types. We all want one thing, to create. Whether that is a life or a work of art, we want to be expressive we want to be free.

More coffee shop diaries to come.

Friday, September 7, 2018

The Blame Game!

Tag You're It! 

How many times have we messed up but instead of owing up to it, we decided to blame someone else? Say your life is screwed up right now, you've been through some stuff, and instead of accepting the fact that as an adult, you've yet to make good choices. You decide to take it ALL the way back to when you were a child and blame your parents, or guardian, or that one time at band camp? Now, you're trying to express your situation to friends and other family members who seem to not care anymore?

Now you're upset. "Why don't they care?" "I knew I was alone?" so many things start to race in your mind. If the radio played the same record back to back would you listen? If a CD kept skipping and saying the same lyrics over and over would you shut it off or keep it going? If a movie you're watching pauses and keeps going back to 10 seconds prior to play, will you keep watching? So why expect someone to keep listening to the same story over and over again?

Here's the honest truth. At some point in time, those people that you "vent" too will stop listening. It doesn't mean that they don't care, or stopped loving you. You can only go so long, when you're an adult blaming others. At some point, your problems are because of you. It may have started out based off a terrible situation, but how you handle it, isn't that persons fault.

Take yourself off of repeat. 

I have a friend who was put into an identical situation as me as a kid. We actually met in therapy and our background is why we're friends today. She always expresses how amazed she is at my ability to stop blaming what happened to me and move on. When she speaks on herself, she simply said she blames the past because it gives her an excuse as to her situation. I.E. it's easier to say I'm this way because of xyz, instead of saying I'm this way because I don't want to change, or whatever excuse might come to mind.

With that said, I know that every situation isn't the same.
But, you do have the power to not give it life. 

There are plenty of people who had a horrible upbringing. They've suffered abuse of many kinds from parents or guardians, they were born drug and alcohol babies, they've even been left in the system, so many things I can list. For some reason, those people that I know, grew to be amazing human beings. They admit to having a hard time with trust. They also admit that it was their choice to sit in the pain of the past or to have a different future; not just for them, but also for their children.

You deserve better. Allow yourself to grow and be better.

The greater reward, isn't blaming others because it's convenient. The greater reward would be to face what damaged us and fight it head on. I'm speaking from experience, and it wasn't easy. I'm a person who at one point in time, was blaming someone for their abuse, neglect and constant lying as to why things for me are tough in my adult life. About 4 years ago, when I started therapy, I realized that yes, this person played a major role because they were a parent. HOWEVER, it was my choice to let them have this hold on my life.

I wasn't willing to let someone who did awful things
have a hold on my future. My future belongs to ME. 

After that, I realized the crutch it had on me. It was so easy for me to say well, I have trust issues because of xyz. I don't like to drink alcohol because of xyz. I'm not a fan of xyz because of xyz. And it all had to do with ONE person. It's a very captive feeling, to be free and yet still in chains. The sad part was, that I was the one responsible for the chains and captivity of my mind. They moved on, and never accepted accountability, so why was I still sad? Why was I still upset? Why was I still allowing this to fester in my body and mind?

More importantly, if they didn't care, why did I? 

It took me years of therapy,  and I'm still in it, to get through over two decades of bullshit. It's taking years to sift through which bullshit is mine, and which ones aren't. Digging deep into those wounds that are lightly coded over with a thin piece of flesh was tough. Allowing myself to half-ass heal only to rip into that scar with a jagged edged razor blade, was necessary.

I know that was a vivid picture, and I hope you use
 it when referring to your own scars from the past.

I stopped blaming others when I realized that I'm not a child anymore. I'm capable of making my own decisions and I'm now in charge of my happiness.  We all have a past and no ones pain is greater than the next. Some are able to get over it quicker, and others aren't. My hope For you, is that you become that person who is able to let it go. Who is willing to live your best life through forgiveness and allowing God to restore your peace and childlike faith. 

Forgiveness is NEVER for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness is FOR YOU. 

We have a tough road ahead of us, if we chose to stop blaming and start accepting, forgiving and moving on. Like I mentioned before, it's taken me so far almost 10 years to reach this level of peace. That's only because I was unwilling to forgive. The moment I understood what forgiveness was about and who it was for, I accepted it, and things got so much better. 

I still struggle from time to time,
but never long enough for it to effect me. 

You're not alone in what happened to you. You're not alone in how you feel. You're not wrong for how you feel. You will be okay if you want to be. It's up to you, to make this happen my friend. I really hope that today you make the decision to allow yourself peace and happiness. You deserve all the blessings that life has to offer. But first it starts with you.

I am with you on this journey. I'm literally a click away. 

<3 Ebony