Well, I guess you can say, that I do.
Now hear me out, I hate panic when I'm in the middle of it. When I'm in a season where I have no idea what's going on and where to turn. When I have to wait on God, but then I can't hear God. I can't feel God. I start to doubt that he's even there. I start to think,
Does God really love me? Does He hear my cries?
I mean, because if He hears my cries, then He's bound to come and rescue me.... right? He's bound to come down from the heavens himself, pull me out of the darkness and put me in a field of flowers and prayers answered.... right?
I like to think that he gets a kick out of my temper tantrums. The moment when I have the nerve to pray big and bold but freak out when turmoil comes. I start to cry and scream GOD WHYY?! and He laughs and is probably like, Eb, my child. I'm preparing you for what you asked for. I can hear him saying that in the midst of me screaming bloody murder and throwing myself on the floor.
I can laugh at this now but over the weekend and even yesterday,
I went as far as questioning if God is really real.
That my friend is how DEEP I am. That is how DEEP this turmoil is. That is how DEEP my pain goes. That is how DEEP in shit I am, and how lonely I feel during this time. You get to a place where you're gasping for air and you know how to swim (pray) but you keep flopping around (not praying). You keep screaming for help and asking God where are you?! When in fact, he gave you a lifeline (the Bible). When in fact he extended that lifeline to me (gave me two friends, who prayed over me). When in fact he kept extending that lifeline (my two friends who prayed for me sent me scripts that pertained to my current struggle) But instead of those lifelines, I kept my eyes shut and kept crying for help.
How many of us cry for help but are to blind to get past our selfish thoughts to notice that help is literally right in front of us? That God will NEVER give us something that we can't handle. He gives us our battles because we are created to defeat them. He gave us our struggles because only WE can move past them. My two friends who were there for me, they can't fight this. They can help equip me though. They can allow God to use them to get to me in a way that God knows they can so I can understand.
That's exactly what he's doing.
So in the middle of my panic, and I'm still a little panicky, he is RIGHT there with me. And Even though it may seem like he's not there with you. It might seem like he doesn't care. It might seem like he has left you, my friend he has not for it is written:
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified
because of them, the Lord your God goes with you,
he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you
- Deuteronomy 31: 6