Monday, July 23, 2018

The Heat of Realization

I've been in this state, where it's a mix of frustration and faith. I sound completely crazy for bunching those two words in the same sentence. How can I have faith but still be frustrated? To answer that question, I have no idea. Maybe, I figure, that because it's frustration and that I'm not doubtful, that it's different. Maybe, I'm convincing myself that my frustrations are because I'm so faithful. Now, that's a thought I can get behind.

For me, that's true. I'm frustrated because I'm faithful. Today, we had the start of another heat wave in Los Angeles. When I was leaving my producing job and headed home, I touched my steering wheel and couldn't help but cuss. I might be a little dramatic with this one, but I think I heard the skin on my hand sizzle. So I cussed as I made my way into my backpack and pulled out my workout gloves.

I placed my hands on the steering wheel again, when, I heard God speak to me.  "The heat isn't why you're mad now, is it?" I took a deep sigh because no, the heat wasn't why I was mad and quick to get so angry. I knew this heat wave was coming, what was I to expect? I was frustrated and mad because God gave me a glimpse as to where I'm supposed to be and I'm not there.

The frustrations filled my mind and it all came rushing to me as if I were hanging upside down and the blood was shooting straight to my head. I took a deep breath and remembered all the prayers that God has answered. Even the prayer that took ten years for a yes, aka. my move to Los Angeles. I started to think of all the major prayers I've prayed and how God answered them in his perfect timing. I recalled how at ease and at peace I am after I pray my giant bold prayers to him.

The heat made me realize that, yes, I may be frustrated. Yes, I might get angry at times, but misplaced anger never helps you solve the real problem until you're willing to face what the issue is. I wasn't just frustrated, but I was frustrated with God. After admitting that, he checked me and helped me remember all my impossible prayers I've prayed that he made possible.

I like being humbled by him. I like being reminded and reminding myself of what he can do and what he will do. So now, I sit on the 405N smiling. People around me think I'm insane for being so happy in the dead of rush hour. Where a 20-minute car ride has turned into an hour and a half road trip. I sit in the crazy traffic, with Semi-trucks dominating the lanes ahead of me, people honking their horns and so on, and I thank God for always having my back and coming through.

So you might be in the dead of the heat and need your reality check too. If so, just remember all the prayers you've prayed and think about the ones that he's honored. Keep track of these things too, keep a prayer journal like me. Creating your own Psalms and read back on your journey from time to time. It's easier to pinpoint where God's moving in your life if you keep a record of your deepest desires, thoughts, worries, trials, and triumphs.

<3 Ebony

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Poem: Indecisive Mountaintops

Strange title.... I know it is.
I was on the phone with my sister and we came up with it.
Not knowing what to write, or what thought to grab.
I sat on the couch with laptop in hand.
I listened to the people outside my window.
The lady yelling at her kids.
Her kids laughing back at her.
Her car doors slamming shut
Her horn honking uncontrollably.

it's silent. 

Silent long enough for the wind to make its mark.
Write about mountain tops! My sister yells on the phone.
The silence was broken by her energetic advice.
So much so that it ruined my silent mind.
The moment of peace has left beside me.
I now see a white living room, and my roommate sitting next to me.
The cars are in abundance.
The kids crying are in excess.
The noises are loud and they keep getting louder.
Now a firetruck is blasting through the neighborhood.

Mountaintops. Is all I can think of.

Those pointy things, some with snow and animals living on them.
Others are green, still cold but a distant destination.

Mountaintops. They take me back to Alaska.

Anchorage, Alaska is where I'm from.
Waking up, to look outside, to see that Alaska is a state that God
created from his perfect eye.
The air, the animals, the fresh water.
The scenery, the food, the ability to be.
That is the Alaska where I found me.
Myself is what I mean.

I can see it now.

<3 Ebony