This time, it's different. Not just by how it happened, but by how I'm dealing with it. Being homeless seems to be a repetitive thing for me. I'm the type that no matter what, will make her dreams come true. That no matter the circumstances, will make it happen. So this time around instead of freaking out fully, I've taken more time to sit back and reflect. Not on why these situations happen because I know why. For me, it always happens when I get comfortable and ignore when God is telling me to move. So, he makes me move....
Instead, I think of why it happened, the prayers I've been praying, the moves I've been making and I say thank you; but not at first, I wish I could admit that I took this nicely, but no. I was upset, sad, angry, mad, frustrated and everything else; I even confided in a friend on whether or not God truly loves me, or if he cares. Yeah, I went that deep with it, and I'm not ashamed for it either.
As I sit here listening to a mix of Jay Z, Nas, Nipsey, Snoop and Big K.R.I.T, I take on full responsibility. I can't be angry at something when I've been asking God for something much bigger and I'm not moving for him to make it happen. As I get my head in order from what's happening, from tires blowing out while I'm driving, to losing a so called friend that was a wolf in sheep clothing, to moving into a new place, to being an emotional train wreck that takes any small thing and turning into a massacre; I'm doing better with this situation.
If we don't take time to breathe and love on ourselves, no one else will.
I also take this time to be alone. I could easily be with a man at this moment. Someone who I truly like and see a future with because it'll be easy. Easy to mask how I feel and want him to love on me to give me a quick fix. I think at times, we don't know that we do that. We run to someone or something that's our comfort zone during our deepest problems, because it enables us to deal with it alone. It makes sure that we mask that pain with a momentary happiness. The moment that comfort zone has to leave or direct their attention to something else, we feel like shit all over. Why? because we never dealt with the issue, we just substituted it.
I really do love these situations, because with each storm comes rain. That rain waters all the seeds that I have planted in the soil. I'm excited for my bloom, my harvest, my reaping.
I've mastered that art of knowing when I need to take a break. I'm always on the go, from putting out a new book, to writing a new screen play, to working in radio or television, to photo-shoots, to moving cross country and much more. I now know, when I need to have a seat and breathe. This is one of those times where I need to take a day for me. A day of whatever I want, maybe a praise hike where I can cry and sing Christian songs, a visit to the beach where I could read or sit and watch the waves and God's creation, or maybe even start a new series that I've been wanting to start for awhile now. Maybe today is full of all those things? I think it will be.
My message to you my friend, take some time for you. You deserve it. Love yourself.