Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Last Night Was One Of My Toughest Nights

I feel like, I should give her a name.

I could call her a bitch. She definitely is one of many links to Satan. She was paralyzing last night.  I felt like I was held captive in my own thoughts and in my own body.  If you suffer from depression, you randomly get in this state of being in an out of body experience. You think of scenarios in your head and you feel all the pain that comes along with it, and at times you might think about dying; only to wake up and be sad that you're still alive.

I haven't been to sleep yet.

You think of how much happier it'll be if you were no longer here. If you were to be released from this pain. You start to think of a world of freedom from this suffocating feeling and SHE grabs hold of that. SHE knows that you're in pain and experiencing something that only GOD can release you from. I mean, you could take medications but who seriously wants to take medicine for depression when some of the side effects include increased depression and suicidal thoughts?

SHE likes to sit on my chest and back at the same time. SHE squeezes the life out of me, my anxiety rises, the lightness seems to darken quickly. I'm trying to paint a vivid picture of what SHE's like for me. SHE's like a color pallet, you never know which shade you'll get or when it'll change. You could be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden SHE waves at you from a distance and sprints to you. You could think about that one person who makes your heart flutter, and she comes and kisses you on the cheek.

I should give her a name, but I don't know what I should call her. 

Asshole maybe? It's something that I pray on. Unfortunately these prayers have yet to be answered, he must be busy. Or he must want me to take myself out, which is why he hasn't healed me from this. I hope that's not the case. In a perfect world, I'll wake up and SHE'll be gone. I believe that it'll happen, I know he hears my prayers and that he'll answer them on his time. God never gives you something that you can't handle.

I got this.

Despite being captive. SHE didn't want me to move this morning. SHE was happy to have had me last night. Taunting me, smiling at me while I'm screaming as loud as I can. I'm trying to breathe and  run as fast as I can away from her; but she grabs hold of my right ankle and pulled me back in. SHE almost won last night. Instead of doing what SHE wanted, I kept praying, I'm tired and I'm exhausted, but yet, I still feel as if I triumphed.

I think I weakened her. 

I went to the gym this morning as usual. SHE crept back in right when I found the perfect parking spot. SHE grabbed my neck and secured me to my seat. I was trapped, couldn't breathe, my inhaler wasn't working for me, and my tears were like a waterfall. I managed to leave the car, and cry silently in the bathroom stall. I wanted to leave, but instead I ran and then I lifted weights. Then I praised GOD for the strength to fight. 

It might seem silly, but I think I'm winning. I can feel myself getting stronger. Huh, maybe he is answering my prayer. 

<3 Ebony 

No comments: