Let's get real
"Man, that last thing you said about playing in traffic, that was genius!"
Said a loyal reader who checked out my previous blog posting. To them it was great word play, to me this was a heavy moment in my life. Playing in traffic, playing with guns, driving off the over pass, hoping that in the times that I almost got hit by a car that for goodness sake it would actually connect in a way that will take me out. Daydreaming that on a walk, I ignore the red hand at the stop light and continue forward.
While in traffic some time ago, a semi truck was coming on full speed. Horn honking on the highway and it couldn't stop until it was met by a guard rail. I was on the other side watching the mayhem unfold, continuing to drive in that direction as the cars around me frantically moved to the right. I was saddened to see that it stopped and didn't skip the rail and head in my direction.
Overcome with grief and pain, I can't unsee the things I've seen or undo what I've done. When evil has looked at you plenty of times with a smile you never forget it. That is why I work out so much and hard, which is why I'm constantly drowning myself in a new book a week, which is why I keep writing, which is why I seek God, which is why I've decided to go for my dreams and see what happens because this world is short. I've seen it take away lives, I've seen it leave lives that should've been taken. To the ones on the outside looking in on my leap of faith, it all seems grand, courageous, genius, brave and more to walk this journey that I am on. Not knowing that it's harder then what they could possibly imagine.
Living in a world where you're publicly under a microscope. Where you're being judged by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to hear rumors about yourself created by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to always be 'on' because being 'off' is frowned upon. Man is it exhausting but still, here I am. I have a smile on my face and I keep trying as the world and those around me take hammers built with nails and wrapped with barbed wire happily thrust it into my back.
Having the gifts that I was so graciously given, leaves me to be alone. It burdens me with depression, pain, confusion, doubt, worry and more. It's supposed to be an outlet but, I see no outlet. What do I do now? When it rains it pours, and it's been a trifecta of natural disasters in my life for the past several years. After a disaster, I hear that it gets better; that everything will be okay. That there is light at the end of it. I pray for the strength to be here to witness that light.
But, as I type this; my heart aches.
One day, I was looking at life insurance policies. I've been researching them for a long time. I wanted to see how much it would cost and who would qualify to be my beneficiary. My questions then turned deeper. How long do I have to be alive for this to work? If a policy holder commits suicide will their family still receive the payments? How much for a million dollars? How about half a million? Can I pay it in full or does it have to be monthly?
Just breathe, you are not crazy.
I write this, because this is something that is not talked about enough. So many people like myself have struggled with this. Unfortunately others are still struggling with this and some take their lives. You never know what someone is going through. This was a heavy path that was once mine and if I may be honest, I can write about it so openly because at times, I still am in this light. Some people have answers as to why this is happening, others have no answers to give, while some have no one to talk with about this. Do something so simple for me today, ask someone "Are you okay?"