Thursday, February 9, 2017

The Waiting Game..

Every time I'm in the waiting room, my stomach curls and I'm in pain. I start to sweat and my mind moves at over 100 mph. Every time I have to come in for testing to make sure I'm still clear of my cervical cancer and any other type of cancer, it's nerve wrecking.

Sitting at home waiting over a week to hear whether or not you're still in the clear has to be one of the most horrible positions I've ever been in. This part sucks more over the time I was told that I actually had cervical cancer. The waiting game, I hate the waiting game. What do I do when I have to wait? Twiddle my thumbs? Eat? Sleep? Cry? Pray?

Truth is, I do all those things. 

For the past couple of weeks I've felt like shit. My body has been acting weird, my energy is low and it's not my anemia this time. Then when I go for my doctors appointment to meet my new doctor, she tells me:
 "Oh it's time to do your screening!" 

Why is she smiling? My heart stops, maybe it's back, maybe that's why I've been feeling so down for the past month. How could I forget?  My Papa (God) be with me.

So I did my tests and whatever else she wanted me to do. Then she lets me leave, but not before she happily says:

"If things are in the clear you'll get a notice in the mail and if not I'll call you. 
Should take a week of course. Have a great day Ebony!" 

A week.
I hate that fucking week

Excuse my language but I HATE it. What am I supposed to think for that entire God awful WEEK? I check my mailbox constantly and nothing. I'm constantly staring at my phone dreading the thought of receiving that phone call.  THEN it happens... she calls me... What will she say?:

"Hey Ebony! Your cancer is back!"  or "Hey Ebony! You're in the clear!" 

Why did I have to wait a week? Now the phone is ringing and I don't want to answer it. She said she will call if something is bad. So if I don't answer, does that mean it's not bad? Can I just ignore it? Pretend like I never received a call? Go back to sleep? My God my heart is racing... it hurts. What's going on in my chest? It's like the Indy 500 in there!

So I let it go to voicemail.. I waited and no message was left. I breathed in and out. Then she called AGAIN. This time I got it together. Calling twice in a ROW? Dear God this can't be good. I answered the phone and she said :

 "everything is okay, but you need to do more tests."

I prayed to Papa (God) to thank him. My hands are shaking, my heart is beating fast I need my inhaler. So now I'm going into 4 years clear and cancer free. Wait.. more tests? On what?

Did I mention how I hate waiting a week?
<3 Ebony

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