On most days I look in the mirror and I still hate what I see. I start picking at parts of me that I wish I could change, that I so deeply want to change. I start pulling at my stomach, my legs, my rear-end, my face everything that has skin I pick at it. I hear that I look "great" I head how proud people are of me for getting back on track and where I used to be with my weight. I hear that stuff but that's not what I see. Instead, I still see that girl who almost weighed 200 lbs and no one would've guessed it because I never wear clothes that fit my body. I see that girl who is scared, I see that girl who's battling something only her and God know about. I don't see that girl that I am now. I don't see that I lost over 40lbs, I don't see her instead I see all the pain and weight that I used to carry. Why is that?
It wasn't until I watched an episode of my favorite show The Real when Jeannie Mai talked about "Phantom fat" which is when a person loses so much weight but they don't see the accomplishment of that instead they still see the "fat" person they once were. Now, "Fat" I hate that term, by the way, can be seen from many different angles depending on the person. For someone who is under 5'5" might gain 5 lbs that would look way different than someone like me who is 5'8" gaining 5 lbs. To me that won't makes me feel like I'm fat per-say but to someone shorter, it holds a different mold.
Anyways back on topic. I realized that I suffer from this and it's slowly hurting me. I still see that person that I allowed myself to be because of abusive situations. If you don't recall my journey and truth beyond the weight read THIS BLOG HERE . I see food and I calculate everything in my mind on what not to eat, when not to eat, how much I can eat. I look at the gym and treadmill and push harder because I ate a cookie and I can't have that come back to me. I try to run outside in this high altitude and FAIL miserably because I can't run outside in Denver yet. When I run a mile outside it takes me almost 11 minutes, versus my normal 8-minute mile and that hits me so hard for some reason. I feel like taking that long to run a mile for me is unacceptable, so there I take that hard and think "If I can't run this I will for sure be that girl again!"
Then I get emotional.
Then I cry.
I'm writing this because it's normal and so many of us struggle with this. So many people who have gotten to a bad point in life, who have gained weight and had the courage to pull themselves out don't see the strength that they have. We don't see that at times, we are harder on ourselves as compared to anyone else. We NEED to stop this way of thinking. WE need to change our mindset and work on loving our new selves. It's hard because I've been struggling with that for the longest but I know in time and with Gods love for me that I will get there.
Phantom Fat....I wish there was a quick solution. If you struggle with this, like me, we can take these steps together. For me I now
1. accept compliments and don't say "really?" instead I say "thank you!"
2. I look in the mirror less
3. I don't stand on the scale, I pay attention to inches lost
4. I don't punish myself for eating a cupcake
5. I try not to think of myself as a failure
Another thing, I don't look for confirmation from others. I don't seek comments or compliments, I know that what others think of me means nothing because at the end of the day what maters is what I think of myself. It'll take time for me to get through this stage in my life. BUT I'm 100% okay with it, I love these journeys I love figuring out myself, I love learning and moving forward.