Thursday, October 27, 2016

I'm more than...

I'm more than my body, the color of my skin and the way my hair blows in the wind.
I'm more than the makeup on my face, and the face wash I use to restore Gods grace.
I'm more than the European beauty the world wants to subject me too.
I'm more than the weaves, acrylics, and gel nails that society tells me I need.
I'm more than the selfies, clothes and shoes on my feet.
I'm more than the object that you perceive me to be.

I am Ebony, a woman whose middle name is Sade, like the jazz singer who oozes sex appeal, confidence and beauty while staying fully clothed swaying on stage

I am Ebony, a proud woman of color who embraces her ethnicity. According to my ancestry,I'm a woman of African, East Indian, Polynesian,Surinamese and British decent 

I am a woman who proudly wears her almond skin. Evenly matched by Bare Mineral foundation, lightly padded on my face because I love my scars and freckles that fill my cheeks.

Black men told me, I'm cute for a black girl, and they would actually date me.
Black men told me, if I wasn't so ambitious I would be taken 
Black men told me, if I was more accepting of open relationships they would love to have me
I know there has to be a better representation of my black men, I just have yet to encounter them
After-all, I think they're confused, I'm single not lonely those are two separate things

I am Ebony, someone with a path of finding  love is nonexistent as I struggled within myself, because of men who down talked me, men who degraded me, men who intimidated me and men who abused me

Despite that. 

I am Ebony, a woman who has battle scars and room for new ones God has for me.
I am Ebony, a woman who knows her worth and gets what she deserves
I am Ebony, a woman who is




and worthy

To my queens who struggle to know their worth let me tell you this you ARE:


No matter what color your skin is, no matter what people say, no matter who passes you, talks about you and so on.
All of my queens should know and feel that the world is ours and give a giant middle finger to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. 

Thursday, October 20, 2016


OKAY! This is so awesome! I finally got my new cover thanks to Sogni Di Marzapane check out Songni's portfolio here :  



When their home land of Mantic was ruined by a deadly fire, sixteen-year-old Libby and her family, a group of shape shifting creatures, are desperate to escape the supernatural hunters who roam the deadly forest they call home. They seek safety in Alaska, where the arctic temperatures should suppress their powers, allowing them to remain undetected. 

 Libby quickly falls for a boy named Aaron, who’s one of the last remaining supernatural hunters of his generation. When Libby starts to fall in love with Aaron, her powers grow rapidly out of control. She tries to suppress her powers but one night an accident results in the death of Aaron's grandmother.

Her family tries to cover up her deadly mistake, but it isn't long before Libby is being hunted, but this time by the boy she loves. In a ballet that will end either the shape-shifter or the hunter creed, Libby has to make a lethal decision as she's torn between her family and the love of her life. 

Phantom Fat?

On most days I look in the mirror and I still hate what I see. I start picking at parts of me that I wish I could change, that I so deeply want to change. I start pulling at my stomach, my legs, my rear-end, my face everything that has skin I pick at it. I hear that I look "great" I head how proud people are of me for getting back on track and where I used to be with my weight. I hear that stuff but that's not what I see. Instead, I still see that girl who almost weighed 200 lbs and no one would've guessed it because I never wear clothes that fit my body. I see that girl who is scared, I see that girl who's battling something only her and God know about. I don't see that girl that I am now. I don't see that I lost over 40lbs, I don't see her instead I see all the pain and weight that I used to carry. Why is that?

It wasn't until I watched an episode of my favorite show The Real when Jeannie Mai talked about "Phantom fat" which is when a person loses so much weight but they don't see the accomplishment of that instead they still see the "fat" person they once were. Now, "Fat" I hate that term, by the way,  can be seen from many different angles depending on the person. For someone who is under 5'5" might gain 5 lbs that would look way different than someone like me who is 5'8" gaining 5 lbs. To me that won't makes me feel like I'm fat per-say but to someone shorter, it holds a different mold.

Anyways back on topic. I realized that I suffer from this and it's slowly hurting me. I still see that person that I allowed myself to be because of abusive situations. If you don't recall my journey and truth beyond the weight read THIS BLOG HERE . I see food and I calculate everything in my mind on what not to eat, when not to eat, how much I can eat. I look at the gym and treadmill and push harder because I ate a cookie and I can't have that come back to me. I try to run outside in this high altitude and FAIL miserably because I can't run outside in Denver yet. When I run a mile outside it takes me almost 11 minutes, versus my normal 8-minute mile and that hits me so hard for some reason. I feel like taking that long to run a mile for me is unacceptable, so there I take that hard and think "If I can't run this I will for sure be that girl again!"

Then I get emotional.
Then I cry.

I'm writing this because it's normal and so many of us struggle with this. So many people who have gotten to a bad point in life, who have gained weight and had the courage to pull themselves out don't see the strength that they have. We don't see that at times, we are harder on ourselves as compared to anyone else. We NEED to stop this way of thinking. WE need to change our mindset and work on loving our new selves. It's hard because I've been struggling with that for the longest but I know in time and with Gods love for me that I will get there.

Phantom Fat....I wish there was a quick solution. If you struggle with this, like me, we can take these steps together. For me I now
1. accept compliments and don't say "really?" instead I say "thank you!"
2. I look in the mirror less
3. I don't stand on the scale, I pay attention to inches lost
4. I don't punish myself for eating a cupcake
5. I try not to think of myself as a failure

Another thing, I don't look for confirmation from others. I don't seek comments or compliments, I know that what others think of me means nothing because at the end of the day what maters is what I think of myself.  It'll take time for me to get through this stage in my life. BUT I'm 100% okay with it, I love these journeys I love figuring out myself, I love learning and moving forward.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016


I hate when I'm in this position
A position that I cannot move from 
I can see myself moving, I think that's called an out of body experience 
But yet, I sit still, my hands don't move and neither does my pen 
I have so much to say 
So much to talk about
I have a way to vent 
But yet, I cannot let it out 
Why? I don't know
I think I'm stuck in another dimension 
One that creatives hate it's called "Writers Block" 
Then I think of the phrase by Charles Bukowski
"writing about writers bock is better than not writing at all" 
I guess that's what this poem is about
I have writers block 
I have a synopsis
I have a table of contents
But yet, I cannot fill in the spaces
I guess the block is needed 
God does do everything for a reason 
So instead of stressing about my novel tragedies 
I will use this time to reflect on 

Tuesday, October 4, 2016


Why hello!

Life, I love it this pesky little thing that God created for us. We're supposed to enjoy it, however, most of us spend most of the time worrying about situations we cannot change. We allow people in our lives who don't need to be there. We make countless excuses for others because our hearts are big. What sucks is that for some, they get tired of being taken advantage of so they turn into a heartless cold person. I don't ever want to be that, I don't ever want that to happen to me. I pray that I continue to have a great heart and see the good in people while being smart about who to let in my life on a personal level and who to keep at a distance.

For me, I found myself repeating situations with people. I found myself stuck in a position that was familiar, and why? I thought I was over that part in my life. I thought I was done dealing with people who acted in that way. For some reason, I allowed it to seep its way through to my happiness. Now I find myself miserable, unhappy and questioning myself again. This time, instead of allowing that to happen for a long period of time, I decided to make sure that it stopped. It sucks because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt but no, this time, I'm putting myself first.

I'm not vengeful, I'm not mean instead I'm now looking out for me. God put me through situations for me to learn and grow. How can I grow if I allow myself to make the same mistakes? To fall for the same games? To open the door to the same type of people who mean no good? There comes a point in life when you know what's good for you, who's good for you; don't play yourself. Listen to that voice that's telling you what and who is good and drop everything else that isn't. Happy growing in this amazing thing we call life my friend!

<3 Ebony