Wednesday, November 11, 2015

My Journey To Happiness: Apology

As I was laying in bed, I realized that I owed God a major apology. It wasn't the normal repentance that I typically run through. Instead, it was one that I had no clue about until after I left a therapy session. I had to apologize to God for hating who he created, for hating myself. Times are tough, and people go through these moments where they don't like what they see, or how they act, their talents or lack their of and most importantly their journey.

How can I love God, but HATE the thing he created? The person he took time to craft and mend with all her flaws and perfections? The person who was meant to walk in these shoes and the only one who could? I stared at myself in the mirror, and tried to see myself through his eyes. This is a prayer that I continuously pray, "Lord please let me see what you see, because I can't see much of anything." I was looking really hard, maybe for about 20 minutes, when a fresh air came over me. Like a breeze entered my house, when the doors and windows were closed. Like a weight had been lifted off of my chest.

I think, I hit a break through. I've been struggling the past couple of months, as I've been on my journey to happiness and finding out who I am. This hole had been placed in my heart. It wasn't love from a man, or attention, or boredom, instead it was something I can't name or find. Something was missing, I'm growing in my faith so it can't be that. So what is it? It was love... but instead... it was my love for myself. That was missing, and to be honest it's never been there.

So as I read my bible, listened to my music and sat in prayer. I had to ask God to forgive me, for not loving me. For not loving the person he has created me to be, for not loving someone he is molding me too be. I know I'm not the only one who has felt this, or who will feel it. But for those of you who are battling depression, self-hate/doubt, and insecurity, it's okay. You're not alone, and everyone handles things differently. Just know, that you're amazing and truly believe that. If you have a hard time believing that, go to a mirror, and write positive things about yourself. Recite it every day, every time you look in the mirror until you believe what you're saying. To help you out a little here is what I have on one mirror in my house :

I am: 

I am NOT ashamed for my journey, and I am NOT ashamed for saying that I love myself. It's time to STOP thinking it's bad when someone thinks they're good looking, smart, talented etc. If they don't have the confidence in themselves, then no one else will.

Just read: POEM FOR A LADY WHOSE VOICE I LIKE by Nikki Giovanni 

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