Monday, May 4, 2015

What You See

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I keep telling myself this as I stare in the mirror at my half naked body. I've lost a ton of weight, and I've also gained muscle in places that make me giddy. At the same time I don't see what others comment. I still see what I used to look like, the weight that carried pain from various relationships. That weight that carried me through all the hardships, and that piled on because well.... I'm an emotional eater. The thing is, that weight is no longer there. Instead the 20+ pounds have diminished into the abyss, and YET I'm still left with the scars of why I packed on the pounds in the first place.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a lot of us can't see our own beauty because the beholders we trusted abused that power; and that's left us emotionally wounded to a point that seems impossible to escape from. Being talked down to, abused and treated as if I'm the scum of the earth has indeed blurred my own vision. It's a daily battle where I find myself pulling a Kylie Jenner, taking a shit ton of selfies to find one satisfying. When my Mister looks at them, he thinks they're all gorgeous, and I think the one I took 23 swipes before that was the perfect one. Not to mention that advertisement on Cosmo magazine telling me how to look "hotter". Thanks Cosmo, instead I'll grab the giant snicker bar right next to you and dismiss the perfectly sculpted abs of whatever sex kitten you have on the cover.

It took a long time for me to be satisfied personally with myself, when that happened another chapter opened for me. As mister holds me and tells me "I treat him so good" I think, I'm just mirroring how you treat me and it comes naturally. When he stares at me, tells me things he has no idea that slowly but surely he's making me feel unstoppable, beautiful and wanted. It's a long road, I still stutter to go to pool parties and bring a swim suit, I still bring a jacket to cover my mid section, and I still wear sleeves in this damn Texas heat!

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if you're like me and you love others with all that you have, you make the mistake of allowing their vision to become yours. It's not intentional instead it just happens. Well my loves, my advice is to become your own beholder. Train your eyes to see what you want, to love what you have and to adore that smile that looks back at you in the mirror.

#nowplaying Yellowcard- Only One