Thursday, December 4, 2014

7 Years Later

First met in a club he said "hey" our eyes locked for a quick second and my heart skipped plenty of beats.... I was 16. Two years later we became involved, on and off for years. Between my boyfriends and his "friends" we could never get enough of one another. Always my person to lean on, cuddle, hold me when I cried and even held my hair when I threw up. Physically beating people up for me, like my knight and shinning armor. Whenever I was hurt he felt it, and he didn't like feeling it. My heart aches when his does, my bones hurt knowing about the atmosphere he's in and my mind races on the weekends when trouble would stir. But yet I couldn't get enough of him. Seven years later, the fights, arguments, calls, and tears was no match for the happiness that happened when he smiled at me. Something genuine about his smile, him being able to sleep when I'm around him, something personal and loving. We love hard and for seven years we loved to the best we knew how. Never official but to those close to us we were. But seven years later, I have to let it go. The thought of us, the wondering can I go another seven years without being official? Without knowing forsure that he wants me and wants the world to see? Or should I just be complacent? Okay with the thought and nothing after that? I'm not okay with it. Moving was for many things and the number one thing was to further my career. Number two was to escape the reality that the one my heart beats for will never feel the same, seven years later I'm ready to heal and close that door. Who knows how I will react if he calls or texts. I'm only human. What I do know is that I love myself more than ever and by looking at a man who took me to dinner a couple nights ago; seeing the look in his eyes. I knew then that there are people who appreciate what I have to offer and who want what I can give. Its a process, a long process one that takes time and understanding and a clear mind to make certain decisions. It wasn't overnight, but I've been weeding myself off of him for three years. I had a few strings still attached three major ones! I've officially cut those four months ago. Feeling wanted and loved and appreciated is what people look for and desire. We all deserve it. Whether you know it right away, or seven years later; what's important is that we love ourself enough to say "enough". Yes my heart aches at the thought of an informal "goodbye" but my heart smiles at my ability to allow myself healing. Seven years later I say goodbye to you and hello to me.