Sunday, November 9, 2014

Emotionally Unavailable

Throughout the years, I've mastered the art of being emotionally unavailable.  Growing up fictitious forms of happiness was all around me. I knew at an early age that people, even those who "love you" will lie to you. Accepting that damaging fate brought on relationships that welcomed the lies, which turned into cheating and then lastly beatings. Why? Well to me this is a form of love, at each step in my life this is what I received and what I was used to; I was oblivious to what happiness and life truly was about.  I was miserable, my poetry cried and bled my tears with each word I wrote. My motivation for sports and participating went down the drain. I grew angry and violent and NOT a SINGLE SOUL asked "What was wrong?" No one cared, so I spiraled out of control.

As I began to grow, I realized that I was unwilling to accept the things that I allowed to happen. I decided that the lies were something I didn't have to put up with or deserve, I'm very good at spotting a lie and calling it how I see it, hence why many friendships didn't last long. I then grew into someone who would cut another person off based on one lie. To me now lying, was something I had no tolerance for. Good in that is I was able to weed out certain people, the bad in that is I was aiding my feelings of being emotionally unavailable, I then started to not care about those around me. 

I met guys, laughed and walked my own path. The good ones who came around and really tried to show me something different, but I figured they wanted something from me. Isn't that what we do? When we've been hurt enough we figure someone, almost everyone has a devious motive?  (reality check, not true). Now as I'm 25 in a few short months will turn 26, I see a new light. Discussing things with my girlfriends I see that we all are on this path of enlightenment. I see that each of the fabulous ladies has something to learn from me and I from them. As I grow I truly love them and allowed them to see my emotional side because I trust in them.They give me my reality check, which is why I love them so much. They tell me, in their own way about my inability to showcase emotions and how damaging that is to me.

I know that in order to reach that next platform in my life I need to let that emotional barrier down. As I writer, I can showcase my emotions through my characters, I live within the pages that I write, it brings me to life. A life that I was scared and turned away from because of emotion.  I am, however, comfortable in writing this because 1. I'm not afraid life is what you make it and I refuse to let this control me and 2.I have broken that barrier. I can tell someone who should be important to me that I love them, and not cringe or want to swallow bleach after I say it. I can talk to guys and allow myself to feel something despite the previous endeavors. But most importantly I can be myself and I have no cares in the world about what anyone has to say about it. Now take note, I'm still a hater of lies and the ones who tell them. I'm now willing to hear the reasoning behind it before the scissors take place.

After all what is life but one that is yours? It may be a mess, but it's my mess that I'm proudly cleaning up :)