Monday, June 10, 2019

Poem: 6-4-2019

Staring at the fan, while I lay on the floor.
  Nothing but bottoms on and sweat everywhere.
The gripping pain that beats from within.
 As the stains fill my feminine napkin.
I can't help but think that the beats were yours.
After all, you did survive a red waterfall and a small pill.

 Getting the notice that you were there was shocking enough.
Damn, I thought to myself, this little thing is tough.
 Still faced with a decision alongside the suitor
Conjuring up the plan and idea that father time wasn't on our side.

So I can get a better understanding, I went to a building the next day.
Cold, dirty, smelled funny I must say.
 Saw no white coat, or sport jacketed man.
Just a cold instrument placed inside me along with a hand.

 5 weeks of wonder and no surprise it wasn't me but you.
Saw the evidence of your existence, something I'll never be able to undo.
 A torture I now have to live with is that, that was as big as you were gonna get.
Taken into another room, two minutes prior was the last time I would see you.

The next day, I pulled in the driveway and immediately felt regret.
 I ran to the bathroom and tried to shower.
No amount of hot water could wash away the shit that would happen next.
 This is all my fault, I gave myself the blame.

Oh how I desperately wanted you to survive.
 Just one more time, I whispered to you.
Surprise me.. you've done it before.
 As I squeeze my stomach and lay on the floor.

I tried to put clothes on but the pain was so strong.
 Clots passed..One every other minute had me keeling over in pain.
I screamed to the Father asking him to ease me and take it away.
 But I knew, this was something I had to go through.

I remember the sight of blackness, three times around.
 The sound of my walls shedding as a pool of red sits beneath me.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh how I wanted you to fight.
 But I'm a team player despite what I desire inside.

 Over two hours of pain... I can't begin to explain.
I was so weak, my body kept me on the floor so I could sleep.
 Almost a week later since you made your departure.
I'm still reminded of you, the traces of you as the waterfall continues.

Shame, guilt, hate, anger. Everything is what I feel for myself.
 Unworthy of breathing is what comes across my mind.
A spirit worth killing is what I feel deep inside.
 A spirit that is mine since I already lost yours.

As for you....I can't even tell you how I feel.
 I can't even look at you or stand your smell.
In the stages of anger, I've been through the first 4.
 Hoping this is the last one and I'll feel no more.

I wonder if I'll shake this....
  I'm not sure if I can...
Maybe I should delete your sonogram?
 Toss the four tests that I keep in my purse.
Not like it'll bring you back and allow you to walk on this earth.

A sense of emptiness has hit me ever since that day.
 Useless is how I feel, and I can't seem to pray it away.
I have so many words, but they don't make sense.
 How I'm able to write this now, I still don't understand.

<3 Ebony

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Cafe HonesTea: Why I Go To Therapy

May is Mental Health Awareness Month! I talk about therapy A LOT and how I'm in love with it and an advocate for it. Since doing the 15 questions podcast, I shared I will go into depth as to why I personally go to therapy. Take a listen :) 

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Cafe HonesTea: 15 Questions

Welp! From questions about who Big P is, to who I'm voting for, weird sex escapades and more! Take a listen to this weeks episode : 15 Questions on Cafe HonesTea! 

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Cafe HonesTea: You Are SOO Worth It

Let’s admit it, we’re influenced by the most random things. This things have the power to mess with our minds don’t they? Well, let’s talk about it real quick.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Poem: Night Dreamer

I often wonder what it would be like,
  if I didn't have the pleasure of having you in my life.
A thought that has crossed my mind
 way to many times.

Seems to play like a fiddle
  that same A string without hesitation
much like the first time you said
  I love you.

Words that I've heard before.
  However, they were never expressed in this way.
Words that I've said before
  Only because it sounded like something I needed to say.

This time, I felt what you said.
  I understood what you meant.
My heart skipped a beat at the climax
  Of emotion.

As we lay, I look at you.
  I admire this person that I'm laying on.
As we lay I watch intently as the stumble on your face
  brushes against my left hand that's cradling your cheek.

I know you can feel me.
  The way I look at you.
It's so very piercing... my eyes that is.
  Eyes that look into you and find your heartbeat.

While you wiggle a little I place that left hand on your chest.
  Your heartbeat is steady, I envy that.
You're so comfortable, at ease, so trusting laying next to me.
  I kiss your neck and your heart beats faster.
You kiss my forehead "hey baby" you whisper.

I've never watched someone sleep before.
  Not the way that I look at you.
With each move, I wonder if you're okay.
  What are you dreaming about?
Can I protect you in any way?

Conversations have no end
  Unlike the night that seems to give in.
Talking until we fall asleep and wake up in heat.
  It's new and something that many don't know how to handle.
I'm in that same boat but I'm paddling towards you.

Night dreamer, is all I can think of.
  As I watch you sleep.
I have to admit I do feel like a creep.
  Staring at your chest to make sure you're breathing.
Touching your skin to watch the goosebumps rise.
 Kissing you lightly until you open your eyes.
"Morning baby" you stretch and pull me close.

Then we fall asleep... and it starts all over again.

<3 Ebony