Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Like Samson

so happy in the place that I lusted after..
where lust was after..
my own well being
didn't want to be like Samson,
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.

giving in, I feel as if I failed
coming across something that my body has once prevailed
the possibility of this cancer infecting my life again
is what keeps me up at night
the reason why the rivers run from my eyes...
as I stare out the window
my task was so simple
all I wanted to do was write....

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
sidetracked by the tones of skin
the ones that bind me to open my pathways
one entry should have been blocked
but was allowed in
sinking their teeth into gentle skin
ripped wardrobe to emit sin
ecstasy without the pills
intimacy is what drove me to the hills

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
freedom from the thoughts
break these chains of the human heart
pleading for an outlet

I breathed deep, once he told me
broken hearted from what we discussed
from past and present we talked about what once was
and yet... the lie that was revealed
could kill the very reason why I'm alive.

I didn't want to be like what I told my father God
repentance I'm at your mercy
I've cried out to you for help, but still I was left alone
to give in to my own ways in which all is left to say is..
I didn't want to be like Samson

<3 Ebony

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Cheers to Accepting The New

As we grow in this journey of life, we're thrown curve balls left and right. Speed bumps go from molehills to mountains. Our traumas are far worse than the ones we had as children. Not to mention, the fears that we conquer and the ones that still haunt us at night.

When it comes to accepting the new, we're put in uncomfortable situations. It sucks, I know, it makes you want to move to a different city, probably planet if your bank account can afford it. I love meeting new people, and someone that I met recently showed me that I'm facing a fear I had no idea was even a fear.

So here it is, this weird thing that I didn't know was a fear. Despite my ability to connect with you on this blog and through my social media platforms, I have a hard time letting people in. This comes as a surprise, because it's me here... Ebony Williams.. the woman who went on the radio and talked about her almost committing suicide, the one who opened up about her trials with domestic violence, not to mention the cervical cancer story and truth about the weight blog. The things I talk about and share with you are endless; and yet I squirmed at a simple task.

I was asked to 1. not move and 2. not speak. All I had to do was look into my friends eyes and let him look into mine.

I found out  it's hard to look at someone in their eyes and let them look into yours without saying a word. Talking is a distraction, so is movement, those things throw people off from looking IN you and instead they look AT you.

So as I was there, allowing him to look INTO me, I realized I have a deep fear with true human connection. Even with friends and romance, allowing someone to know me, the beyond Ebony, the Ebony after dark is an idea so far fetched; I had no idea I was secluding people from who I am.  As we were sitting there, fairly close, his hands holding mine, I felt vulnerable.

So many thoughts were rushing to my mind like: what's he thinking? does he see how I really feel? does he know I'm lying when I said I'm great and I'm actually pretty shitty? Can he see that I'm hurting? Oh God, does he know that I'm 100% smitten by him? am I smitten by him? Or is it just that I'm gazing into his beautiful eyes that it's making me believe that I like him?

Yeah....I went there...

So many thoughts.... and I had to sit in them and let him stare into me. I couldn't handle it after much longer and had to look away. I was exhausted after that. The energy it takes to truly let someone in is amazing and for the first time I was experiencing this with a beautiful human.

After that little exercise, it made me think. I was reevaluating myself and my inability to truly be vulnerable. This is why I keep friends at a distance and also why I don't entertain much of a romantic life. It was cool to understand another layer of myself. I'm truly thankful for him for exposing me to myself. sounds crazy, but what are friends for if they don' help you be a better you?

Cheers to accepting the new.
<3 Ebony

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Mindless Thunder

It's not that... 

Well I....

You see, sometimes.... 

It's been hard to figure out a way to start this blog. Recently, I've been heavy into posting videos of encouragement instead of writing them. Videos that I share on all my social media platforms like Twitter, Instagram and my Facebook fan page. My latest video got over 9k views on Twitter.  So I guess I'm saying something right, but still, to you, it's no excuse to go unheard of. 

Anywho, my mind has been in this weird space as of late.  I've been very busy and focused (nothing new) but this is on a new level. I've been asked many times, what's going on?  and you're so secretive! My answer to that is, not everything is meant to be posted. We go through a lot on a daily basis, sometimes we need to keep it to ourselves. If I can be honest, the reason why I don't hang out with certain people during this time is because I don't let in certain energies when I'm creating. 

For me, I can't be around certain people when I have a script to write or project I'm hired on. Some energies drain you and don't uplift you. Let's face it, most of those around us don't want to see us win.  I'll let you know this, there are some big things happening when it comes to writing and selling of my scripts and getting back into broadcasting. I have to keep my mind clear. I have to keep a positive atmosphere and those that I know have my back close.

I'm in a state of praise through all the pain. In a way I'm in disbelief from all that I've gone through to what God's giving me and blessing me with. With each new stepping stone I'm accomplishing, it could've only been done by the grace of God. 

For all those that I've helped get here like, letting you stay with me for months rent free, to have you turn your back on me. To helping you health wise and lose weight, in return for  you to disappear,  or for those I've given (not lending) money to make sure you can eat and pay bills, to have you turn your head away from me etc. I appreciate everything you've done in showing me who you are. 

I realized that it's not a reflection of me. God showed me you, so that I can see that you weren't meant to come with me on this journey. I'm the type to bring everyone with me, and I know I can't do that. I stick my neck out for people. I give great recommendations, so great that most of my acting friends have been casted in major projects. I'll continue to help those who deserve it, and God puts on my heart.

Now that I got that little jab out the way. Thanks for understanding my journey and being with me while I go through it.  
<3 Eb

Saturday, December 29, 2018

End of 2018

Where has the year gone? 

I don't want to be cliche, but where has the time gone? I feel like it was yesterday, when I decided to follow my heart and move to Los Angeles. It also seems like just yesterday when I was going through the hardest challenges I had ever faced. It was all a test to see if I really wanted it or not. You'll be surprised by how strong you are, when faced with doubts of self and God. 

When the very basics are taken away from you. When you have no choice but to succumb to the oddest of doings just to survive. When you call on those who are "there" for you, only to realize, they never were. It's amazing to me the amount of love I've gained, lost and separated from.  Now that those challenges are over, I can understand why they needed to happen. 

There's always a rise to your fall

Now that those challenges are over, I can appreciate the ones to come. I can also sit still, because God will always see me through. If he sought me through the trails that I faced over the past year, I know, that he will do the same for everything I'm going to face in the future. Because of this, I've found inner peace.  

Knowing that Gods got me, has me relaxed

2019. I wish I could tell you the things that are about to come before the New Year begins. I'm learning to wait, and sit in the blessings. I'm learning to love on them when they come and share them when necessary. I've been sitting on gold for the past six months. I've been sitting on some exciting news for the past week. All of which, will be revealed in time. 

When it comes to thinking about goals for 2019. I don't have any that require losing weight, or eating better nothing like that. Instead it's simple because I've reached so many of my personal hearts' desires. I plan to travel next year, both in and out of country. I plan to continue to love as hard as I can. I plan to pray harder and bigger while working on not panicking. 

For the remainder of the year and 2019, I hope that you're able to accomplish your goals and have all your dreams come true. I hope that you start that business. I hope that you tell that person that you love them. I hope you gather the courage to ask that person out. I hope that you start your diet and work on yourself. Most importantly, I hope that you forgive and LOVE you for you. That you learn to accept you for you. That you know that you're amazing, brilliant, talented and chosen. You are destined for greatness. 

Until next year my friend. 
<3 Ebony